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THE POETRY PAGES
i use to love him

I use to love him
Use to love everything about him.
He was so sweet
Called me cute.
He left and changed
And it seems he is gone for good.
He is so unkind
Does not care.
I try to understand
To love him.
I want to give in
And leave.
I have grown to hate
The man I love the most.
He made me smile
He makes me cry.
He loved me
He does not know now.
He does not understand himself.
He cannot understand me.
I could say, I suppose I dwell.
I could say, I guess I am wrong.
But all I say is stay
Stay.
I just want him
To hole me.
I just want him.
But he does not understand himself.
He cannot understand me.
He will not understand this.
I try
Then I cry.
I would give myself
To keep him with me.
All I say is stay.
It is not me saying stay.
It is the fear in me.
I am forever trying,
Which keeps me
Almost always crying.
All I have are memories of him and i.
They keep me trying.
Always, forever it seems I am crying
But I still try.
Even though I am crying I keep trying.
Even if he tried to stop
These tears.
There would still
Be the fear.
I have changed.
I smile but I am not happy.
There is always the thought
Of him in my mind.
I try to get rid of the fear.
I scream out his name,
But he cannot hear
He is all the way out there.
What else can I do?
What else could I try?
I stop screaming and plea: help.
The man that use to calm me down at night,
Has died.
I try,
Then I cry.
I say, NO MORE!
And a part of me dies.
Why can I not be happy?
This time I know what I want.
But he does not exist.
I bet if I would have told him a year ago
He would be like this today,
He would have laughed.

I stopped trying yesterday
I will start again soon.
But for now,
I am waiting.
Waiting for something that might not come.
I love the person he use to be.

1/1/01




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